Excuse me. Doctor? If you have a moment? A moment? What's the question? More of a situation. A gentleman in Exam 3. What's the problem? That is the problem. We're not sure. You've got the chart? Right here. Hmm. Not much here, is there? No doctor, no obvious physical trauma, vitals are stable. Name? No sir. Did someone drop him off? Maybe we can speak to them. Let's get some background on this fellow. No ID, nothing, and he won't speak to anyone. Alright, let's say hello.
Good morning, I'm Dr. Watson. How are you today? How are you today? Look, son, you're in a safe place. We want to help you, in whatever way we can. But you need to talk to us. We can't help you otherwise. Now, what's happened? Tell me everything.
Alrighty then. Picture this, if you will. 10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kremes. In my "need to know" pose, just outside of Area 51. Contemplating the whole "chosen people" thingy when just then a flaming stealth banana split the sky. Like one would hope but never really expect to see in a place like this. Cutting right angle donuts on a dime. And stopping right at my Birkenstocks, and me yelping, "holy fucking shit!" Holy fucking shit! Holy fucking shit! Holy fucking shit! Holy fucking shit! Holy fucking shit! Holy fucking shit!
Then the X-File being, looking like some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan with Isabella Rossellini lips and breath that reeked of Vanilla Chig Champa. Did a slow-mo Matrix descent outta the butt end of the banana vessel. And hovered above my bug-eyes, my gaping jaw. And my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip. And all I could think was "I hope Uncle Martin here doesn't notice that I pissed my fuckin' pants"
So light in his way, like an apparition. He had me crying out "Fuck me, it's gotta be The Deadhead Chemistry. The blotter got right on top of me Got me seein' E-motherfuckin'-T!"
And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning. E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose He said "You are the chosen one. The one who will deliver the message. A message of hope for those who choose to hear it. And a warning for those who do not."
Me? The chosen one? And I didn't graduate from even fuckin' high school!
You'd better You'd better You'd better You'd better listen. Then he looked right through me. With somniferous almond eyes. Don't even know what that means. Must remember to write it down. This is so real. Like the time Dave floated away. See, my heart is pounding 'cause this shit never happens to me.
I can't breathe right now. It was so real. Like I woke up in Wonderland. All sorta terrifying I don't wanna be all alone while I tell this story And can anyone tell me why you all sound like Peanuts parents? Will I ever be coming down? This is so real. Finally, it's my lucky day See, my heart is racing 'cause this shit never happens to me
I can't breathe right now. You believe me, don't you? Please believe what I've just said See the Dead ain't touring, and this wasn't all in my head. See, they took me by the hand and invited me right in. Then they showed me something I don't even know where to begin.
Strapped down to my bed. Feet cold and eyes red. I'm out of my head. Am I alive? Am I dead? Can't remember what they said. God damn shit the bed.
Overwhelmed as one would be placed in my position Such a heavy burden now to be the one. Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending. To write it down for all the world to see. But I forgot my pen. Shit the bed again. Typical.
Strapped down to my bed. Feet cold and eyes red. I'm out of my head. Am I alive? Am I dead? Sunkist and Sudafed. Gyroscopes and infrared. Won't help I'm brain dead. Can't remember what they said. God damn shit the bed.
[screaming] I can't remember what they said to me. Can't remember what they said to make me out to be a hero. Can't remember what they said. Bob help me! Can't remember what they said.
Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. Don't know. Won't know. God damn shit the bed!
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